The pun also rises: the game is a foot | Opinion

Some people’s egos are so big they get their heads swollen. I consider these people as amateurs. My ego is so big that I have a swollen foot.

Clearly, a swollen foot is a far cry from the magnitude of the horror many other people suffer in 2022, from long COVID to being denied necessary medical procedures. (The government is supposed to take action to ensure the well-being of its citizens, and should step in and toe the line.) But nonetheless, a swollen foot is an affliction that hurts your ankle. It reduced my enjoyment of walking, my only form of regular outdoor activity. I was hoping it might diminish over time, but currently it remains a nemesis.

Conveniently, my foot is not strictly necessary for my profession as a writer. But if I tried to pretend that I didn’t need my foot at all, I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Obviously, I would like my foot to improve. Why is it swollen? I didn’t step on any jellyfish, and I avoided all poisonous snakes – by which I mean I didn’t eat them. I haven’t been bitten by poisonous snakes either, and I haven’t had any venison steaks or vitamin drinks. I wasn’t sure what was going on, so I saw the only doctor I know with no co-pays and no wait times: Dr. Google.

Dr. Google suggested that swollen feet be elevated. I don’t have an elevator in my house, so the best I could do was spend the whole morning upstairs. I also thought a good way to elevate is to pay homage and buy gifts, because that’s how most people prefer to be elevated. I tried to pay homage with a poem, but there were too many feet (which makes sense given the meter). So I went online to buy my feet a new pair of sandals. Unfortunately, the swollen feet made it extremely difficult to find suitable shoes, which is unavoidable since I have wide feet to begin with. You can’t fight fate with a fit fat foot.

I felt pissed off about the whole thing, until my partner suggested that a change in diet might help reduce the swelling. Why not try avoiding carbs for two weeks and see if that helps? Why not, indeed. “Carbohydrates” is short for “carbs,” and certainly in this weather it’s very important to stay hydrated. Carbohydrates are the building blocks of every meal you want to supplement. Whether it’s the bread for your sandwich, the rice for your curry, or the cracker for your cheese (one of my less flattering nicknames), carbs are what bind a meal together and make it enjoyable to eat.

So naturally, it was a lot of fun dodging them.

Granted, I’m coming to this revelation a bit late, as low carb/no carb diets have been “a thing” for decades now, but I was also excited about denim jackets in the late 90s. In my defense, apparently a lot of people are barely discovering Kate Bush’s “Running Up That Hill.” And I’m sure a lot of people who’ve had to avoid carbs long-term have thought, “What if I only could, I’d make a deal with God…”

But they’re more likely to do a veal with cod, because zero carbs means eating lots of meat and vegetables, like a carnivorous rabbit, which certainly wouldn’t surprise me if this was the next terror of 2022 after smallpox of the monkey. Killer bees may not have ended up being a threat (although kill bees are), but carnivorous rabbits may soon be coming to your neighborhood. Even the New York Times recently wrote an article about the growing popularity of cannibalism.

I’d be afraid my plump foot would make me a target, but usually cannibals avoid humor writers because they taste funny. Still, just to be safe, I continue this carb avoidance plan for at least a week. I hope my foot will benefit from it, although it may not.

Either way, it’ll be awesome.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor author, the author of “My Toaster’s Disapproval,” and it’s all swell that ends up swell. His website is RisingPun.com.


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Raymond I. Langston